Dearest Gilly,
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind.
I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen.
I don't know. Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man Gilly. Only that moon.
Showing posts with label Internal Psychotics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Internal Psychotics. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sad and disgusted...
Some people are simply unbelievable! A man, once great, who loved children with all his heart just passed away and what I see are people who post condolence messages yet add their own snide and malicious comments.
Tell me, why say you're sorry the man died if you have nothing nice to say about him? What is the point of joining a hundred groups dedicated to him because your friends did? It's nothing short of disgusting.
If you believe he did what they said he did to children, then that's your perogative and its fine. But DON'T say you're sorry he died then say things like, "Oh, so now his stuff is really gonna sell!" or "Fans mourn, children rejoice."
Tell me, since when do children rejoice over the DEATH of someone?
And really, what makes you any better than those vultures circling around him now or total fakes who merely go along with the crowd simply because everyone else does? If you belive in his guilt, then it is YOUR beliefs. There are millions who don't believe he was guilty and love his music, and those millions are truly saddened at his sudden demise.
I grew up with his music and what I learnt was that he was a man who tried to change the world. Who tried to reach out with his music and teach us to love the environment, to put aside our differences, to love children and to heal the world simply by looking at ourselves first and making the first step in our own neighbourhoods. He may have had his flaws but who doesn't?
Which man is infalliable?
All I have to say is, "Let he among us without sin, be the first to condemn!"
It is not for us to judge because WE were not personally wronged. What is wrong is to pretend or affect sympathy and sadness because others do!
This is my own opinion and frankly, if you have something snide to say, then fine. That's your perogative. But think first of his family and the people who loved him. Then ask yourself, what was the point of you offering false condolences? It is neither amusing nor funny.
Peace.
Tell me, why say you're sorry the man died if you have nothing nice to say about him? What is the point of joining a hundred groups dedicated to him because your friends did? It's nothing short of disgusting.
If you believe he did what they said he did to children, then that's your perogative and its fine. But DON'T say you're sorry he died then say things like, "Oh, so now his stuff is really gonna sell!" or "Fans mourn, children rejoice."
Tell me, since when do children rejoice over the DEATH of someone?
And really, what makes you any better than those vultures circling around him now or total fakes who merely go along with the crowd simply because everyone else does? If you belive in his guilt, then it is YOUR beliefs. There are millions who don't believe he was guilty and love his music, and those millions are truly saddened at his sudden demise.
I grew up with his music and what I learnt was that he was a man who tried to change the world. Who tried to reach out with his music and teach us to love the environment, to put aside our differences, to love children and to heal the world simply by looking at ourselves first and making the first step in our own neighbourhoods. He may have had his flaws but who doesn't?
Which man is infalliable?
All I have to say is, "Let he among us without sin, be the first to condemn!"
It is not for us to judge because WE were not personally wronged. What is wrong is to pretend or affect sympathy and sadness because others do!
This is my own opinion and frankly, if you have something snide to say, then fine. That's your perogative. But think first of his family and the people who loved him. Then ask yourself, what was the point of you offering false condolences? It is neither amusing nor funny.
Peace.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The simplest things...
I classify myself as a person who is very forgettable. Who is...just someone you pass on your way to your ultimate destination in life...someone who brushes up against you and yet leaves only a vague impression. Someone who is an invisble support system who will never be seen or heard.
I have always believed that there had to be a reason for everything. And yet, as cynical as I am, I still want to believe in magic. Some sort...any sort.
Today I turned on my computer like any other day and remembered to check my e-mail...amidst the multitudes of spam and updates for things I don't even remember subscribing to I saw a note upon which I was tagged.
You see, I still remember the first day at TARC too. I was very lonely and afraid. Not homesick but scared of a future I didn't really want. I sat in a crowded hall where everybody seemed to know everybody else (or so I told myself) and everybody spoke in a language that should have been my mother tongue but was as alien to me as...well...as gibberish. My roommate was a cold fish. Literally. With a standoffish aura so strong it could send an ox running for the hills. Plus she wasn't inclined to be all that helpful, senior or no.
I still remember when I thanked God for the girls beside and in front of me. Thank you for speaking English and for being so nice. It's always funny how people say I am a very social person because I really don't think I am. But the girl in front of me changed so many things. She invited me to have dinner with her. A real first for me because no one, up to that point, had asked me out without an ulterior motive.
I was used to having "friends" that used me. I chose to be blind about it. But this girl was different; so self-assured and even though I barely knew her...I felt safe with her. Like she really wanted to spend time with me...not for what I could give but for what I was.
I haven't been an angel either, for all the years we've known each other. But I was always glad that no matter what problems we were facing, this girl was always honest. Brutal, sometimes...but always honest. And always there.
Then after amzing times at TARC where I really had the best time of my life, we went to UTAR. It wasn't easy but we stuck out the first trial of Uni life together...problems with friends...with lecturers....with other students... and years later when it was all finally over, I was glad to have you and all my close friends.
It wasn't easy getting to where we were, but I was very touched when you obviously considered me a very important person in your life.
Someone once said to me, "How can you consider yourself best friends if you don't know everything about each other or even spend time together?"
Back then I would have agreed. Now all I can say is, being best friends is not about how much time we spend together or how much we tell each other. It's about being there for each other. To help and to accept that person no matter the flaws or the problems because no one is perfect. I know you'll be there for me because even though we barely speak/chat or see each other if I needed you, you'd come running and so would I.
And it feels wonderful to know that someone is grateful for your existence. And I am very thankful for that. I am very glad for the first day we met and you made being far away from everything I know bearable and fun. Thank you so much for being there for me and for accepting who and what I am.
Most of all, thank you for making me feel less invisible. It means so much to me...more than I can say. I love you too and one day when we are old, we can gather the gang together and marvel at how we made it.
Because we will make it. Girl (and red clog) power!! *hugz*
I have always believed that there had to be a reason for everything. And yet, as cynical as I am, I still want to believe in magic. Some sort...any sort.
Today I turned on my computer like any other day and remembered to check my e-mail...amidst the multitudes of spam and updates for things I don't even remember subscribing to I saw a note upon which I was tagged.
You see, I still remember the first day at TARC too. I was very lonely and afraid. Not homesick but scared of a future I didn't really want. I sat in a crowded hall where everybody seemed to know everybody else (or so I told myself) and everybody spoke in a language that should have been my mother tongue but was as alien to me as...well...as gibberish. My roommate was a cold fish. Literally. With a standoffish aura so strong it could send an ox running for the hills. Plus she wasn't inclined to be all that helpful, senior or no.
I still remember when I thanked God for the girls beside and in front of me. Thank you for speaking English and for being so nice. It's always funny how people say I am a very social person because I really don't think I am. But the girl in front of me changed so many things. She invited me to have dinner with her. A real first for me because no one, up to that point, had asked me out without an ulterior motive.
I was used to having "friends" that used me. I chose to be blind about it. But this girl was different; so self-assured and even though I barely knew her...I felt safe with her. Like she really wanted to spend time with me...not for what I could give but for what I was.
I haven't been an angel either, for all the years we've known each other. But I was always glad that no matter what problems we were facing, this girl was always honest. Brutal, sometimes...but always honest. And always there.
Then after amzing times at TARC where I really had the best time of my life, we went to UTAR. It wasn't easy but we stuck out the first trial of Uni life together...problems with friends...with lecturers....with other students... and years later when it was all finally over, I was glad to have you and all my close friends.
It wasn't easy getting to where we were, but I was very touched when you obviously considered me a very important person in your life.
Someone once said to me, "How can you consider yourself best friends if you don't know everything about each other or even spend time together?"
Back then I would have agreed. Now all I can say is, being best friends is not about how much time we spend together or how much we tell each other. It's about being there for each other. To help and to accept that person no matter the flaws or the problems because no one is perfect. I know you'll be there for me because even though we barely speak/chat or see each other if I needed you, you'd come running and so would I.
And it feels wonderful to know that someone is grateful for your existence. And I am very thankful for that. I am very glad for the first day we met and you made being far away from everything I know bearable and fun. Thank you so much for being there for me and for accepting who and what I am.
Most of all, thank you for making me feel less invisible. It means so much to me...more than I can say. I love you too and one day when we are old, we can gather the gang together and marvel at how we made it.
Because we will make it. Girl (and red clog) power!! *hugz*
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Time Flies...
A week has passed....my personal deadline is up and I am still clueless.
I honestly don't know what I want from life. Today is the first time I am consciously going for something that is supposed to "expand my social circle". Apprehensive?
You BET!
So strange that I seem to be unable to function in social situations. Perhaps it really is true, at heart I am a loner. Or maybe its just that demon of low-self esteem whispering in my ear.
I've decided to start a resolutions list.... one I will keep adding to and ticking off. All the things (sometimes so simple I can't believe I haven't done it!) I've always wanted to do. :)
LIST OF STUFF TO DO:
1) Cook a three dish meal
2) Take belly dancing classes
3) Take a short baking course
4) Save moolah for trip to L.A. Xmas 2009!
5) Go Genting with my girls
6) Go Macau with mom
7) Buy a maxi dress (or a coloured top)
8) Watch a musical LIVE!
9) Do a Candy Photography session!
10) Take up Yoga again
11) Buy a new swimsuit
12) Go try out the Korean restaurant in Sec 14 (been meaning to do this since Year One!!!)
13) Go shopping in Bangkok
14) Try and take at least one good photo a day for Deviantart!
That's all I have for now... :)
::~:: Changes::~::
Artiste: Butterfly Boucher
Oh yeah
Mm
Still don’t know what I was lookin for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer one
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different one
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
They're immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I’m going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock ’n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Credits: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/butterflyboucher/changes.html
I honestly don't know what I want from life. Today is the first time I am consciously going for something that is supposed to "expand my social circle". Apprehensive?
You BET!
So strange that I seem to be unable to function in social situations. Perhaps it really is true, at heart I am a loner. Or maybe its just that demon of low-self esteem whispering in my ear.
I've decided to start a resolutions list.... one I will keep adding to and ticking off. All the things (sometimes so simple I can't believe I haven't done it!) I've always wanted to do. :)
LIST OF STUFF TO DO:
1) Cook a three dish meal
2) Take belly dancing classes
3) Take a short baking course
4) Save moolah for trip to L.A. Xmas 2009!
5) Go Genting with my girls
6) Go Macau with mom
7) Buy a maxi dress (or a coloured top)
8) Watch a musical LIVE!
9) Do a Candy Photography session!
10) Take up Yoga again
11) Buy a new swimsuit
12) Go try out the Korean restaurant in Sec 14 (been meaning to do this since Year One!!!)
13) Go shopping in Bangkok
14) Try and take at least one good photo a day for Deviantart!
That's all I have for now... :)
::~:: Changes::~::
Artiste: Butterfly Boucher
Oh yeah
Mm
Still don’t know what I was lookin for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer one
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different one
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
They're immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I’m going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock ’n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Credits: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/butterflyboucher/changes.html
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